I Told You She’s A Heeeeeeeaux

My first exam is in a few days time but I’m bored! Like soooooo bored! I know that there’s always more that I can be doing to make sure I get that distinction but I mean… I’m BORED!! So as is usual, when I get bored; I pick up my phone and talk to random people for a bit while trying to re-motivate myself to study!

As the inspiration from these posts usually comes, I was having an interesting discussion with my friend about hoes. Well it probably had something to do with someone we had seen doing something that was less than savoury but I shan’t dish that juicy secret! Hehe, I kid. The basis of the story is this, there was once a girl who liked a guy, the guy didn’t like her enough to make it serious, they eventually break off their “thing” that they were having and the girl is sort f heartbroken. You know the usual “F**k guys, I hate them, they are always after one thing, I don’t want anything serious anymore, if he could do it why can’t I?” Heard that before? Yeah, so have we all. Just that this one particular girl actually did it! Well she tried to anyways. She started off with just making out with random guys on a drunken night out and escalated all the way to banging her ex’s friends. Obviously, when you sleep with all the guys in a circle of friends I mean.. Youse a hoe! And even if you aren’t, you’re going to be called one! Nobody cares if the nigga broke your heart!

The problem with this definition of a whore is that there are people (females) who like to sleep around just as much as the average guy, she has perfect no-strings-attached sex and she loves it. If she sleeps with all the guys in the circle it’s not about revenge, it’s because she wants to. I mean does this make her a hoe? I’m not feminist or anything, but if men can sleep with however many people they want then why can’t women? Also is a hoe defined by the number of men she’s been with? Because I can think of a couple of virgin hoes! Those ones are wasting their time saving themselves for marriage. The Bible/Quran or whatever other Holy Book you read might say no to premarital sex but best believe it also says a resounding NO to fornication! So just because you do “everything but” doesn’t make you some sort of saint, better knack if you want to knack. Hiss. Anyways back to the conversation, we somehow came to the conclusion that most heauxs have one or more of these issues.

1.     Daddy Issues

This girl had her daddy leave her, probably at a tender age and has been trying to “prove her worth” to men by sleeping with them. She could also have been molested as a child by someone she trusted, for some reason while I was writing this all I could think of was Meek Mill in his song “Love Don’t Live Here saying  “Shorty sixteen f**king everything moving, got raped by her step daddy [he] told her “Just do it”” Deep. My mood just plummeted, I’d type the rest in a minute. Okay I’m back, everyone take a deep breath, inhaaaaale, exhaaaaale. Say a silent prayer for all the young people struggling to stay alive.

2.     Insecurity Issues

She thinks she’s fat/ugly/weird etc. this girls’ self esteem is pretty low and the more people she sleeps with the lower it gets. During the act of physical pleasure there is a moment or two where she feels whole and beautiful but this is usually as short lived as her partners pleasure.

3.     Heartbreak

This last one has sort of been mentioned before, basically the girl that had her heart broken and is a hoe for revenge purposes. She could also be the girl that’s trying to get over the guy by “getting under someone else”

But still, apart from all these different motivations for being a hoe/whore/harlot/Jezebel whatever you like to call them, I still need to figure out what sets them apart from the other girls? I think it has to do with the mindset of the girl, but I can’t figure out exactly what goes on in the minds of these people. I need help!! What do you think is in the mindset of a heaux?

Christmas Day: 16 Year Old Boys and Kite High Girls

Hey beautiful people! A belated merry Christmas to you all!

Christmas day is definitely always one of my favourite days in the whole Christmas period, filled with family, friends, spiced meats and too much champagne! It’s definitely a day for jollification! This Christmas day was no different, the party was hosted at my cousins’ house in Lagos, and I saw family members that I haven’t seen in years and years! It’s so weird; the clan has like tripled since we last got together! People I didn’t even remember getting married were married with 2 kids! (Trust me, in a family as big as mine, it’s difficult to keep track of who is married and who is isn’t!) It was super cute meeting all my baby nieces and nephews; babies are so adorable! I love how they are so easily entertained by just about anything you put in front of them! There was even games and karaoke and the mandatory dancing that comes with celebrations. You should see my granddad breaking it down on the dance floor, it really is quite amusing.

This Christmas day was a bit weirder than some other ones I’ve experienced in the past though, I wasn’t quite sure what to make out of this 16 year old boy trying to convince me that he was 18 so that meant I was only a year older than him and therefore we should be together.. Firstly, no, I’m not 19. And secondly, I’m pretty sure he tried to feel my boobs with his head when he came for a bye-bye hug. That was strange; I was like “Hellooo, tiny person. This is very inappropriate!” But hey, it was Christmas day! If him resting his head on my bosom for half a second would have made his day any more special then well… no actually, I take that back. It was still weird!

But even weirder was my encounter with this girl! Okay so I must point out now that I don’t think ive ever seen anyone high, well except my dad's driver but he doesn't count! (May his soul rest in peace) I mean it’s not like I’m some goody two shoes that’s never been around weed but I just don’t think I’ve ever noticed it! Anyways, in comes this girl, extremely scantily clad. (May I point out now that she’s not part of the family) I think she missed the memo that it was a family affair not the strip club. I usually feel bad when I judge people but her outfit was scandalous. Some tiny shorts barely covering her barely-there bum, you know the kind that rises towards the outside to form like a V shape? And some velvety slinky low cut tank top. I will not lie, she did look good, it was just inappropriate! Anyways, I digress. After hours of watching her in amusement and giggling every time someone passed a comment about her choice of attire I had my first encounter with her in my cousins room. Here goes the conversation:

Me: Hey, have you seen Skinny Minnie? (that’s not her actual name)

Inappropriate Girl: No, she was here like twenty minutes ago.

Me (Upon noticing her eyes looking extremely bloodshot against her very yellow skin): Oh my gosh, what’s wrong? Are you okay?  **genuine concern here!*

I.G: Yea I’m fine, I haven’t seen your cousin though.

At this short response, I back out of the room and continue my search. Eventually I find Skinny Minnie and inform her of the earlier occurrence to which she replies nonchalantly. “Oh she’s high, they’ve all been going outside to get high. It's weird.”

Let it be known that “they” were not part of le familia, but still, I found it quite interesting that people were so bold as to get high in front of their parents friends… I really wish I could grow some balls and live recklessly! My stories pale in comparison to theirs! But at least now when i see someone with bloodshot eyes and no visible tears I wouldn't waste my genuine love and care on them. Especially not in this city where the ibo they smoke is fifty times more potent than in the U.K.! Nevertheless, I will not be trying any of the above! I hope the I.G. had a blast! YOLO and things! If not on Christmas Day then when? Haha.

Merry Belated Christmas again to you my lovely readers!

Glad tidings,

Morenike

P.S: Happy Birthday Skinny Minnie! I know you hate being called skinny but the nickname seemed so befitting! I love you lots and lots and lots! Hope you have an amazing day!

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Geordie Shore: The Complexities of Charlotte and Gaz

Please note that this post may contain some spoilers, nothing major though. You should still read it :)

Geordie Shore! Geordie Shore! Geordie Shore!!!!!

This show is absolutely amazing! Literally the trashiest, filthiest show I’ve ever seen but I love it! I don’t know how to describe it to you guys that haven’t been privileged enough to watch it. Everyone needs to give it a chance! The season I watched, (season 3 I believe) has the members of the shore hchlling in party central Cancun. Basically they go out every night and get wasted or “mauled” or was it “moored” I have no idea.  The guys all want to smash some ‘worldies’ i.e. girls not from the U.K. and the girls just want to have fun!

It all started one fine Autumn day, I’m chilling at a friends house, dreading the onset of university for the fourth year running so she says to me ‘Hey, let’s watch Geordie Shore, you’d love it.” And I, having previously watched the founder of new trashy TV, Jersey Shore and finding it quite mediocre wasn’t really having it. But she’s a selfless friend and so she put it on anyways. There I was, happily playing on my laptop, listening to new music doing my blog rounds etc when my ears were greeted with the sound of a thick Geordie accent saying “I sh*t myself last night, I’m going to put my knickers in the food bin because really, poo is just food that comes out your bum.” SHOCK HORROR and then fits of laughter were what followed as I gawked at the screen in disbelief! I could not believe someone just said that. From that moment I was dead and gone for the entire cast of the show!

I can imagine that a lot of you are now questioning my sense of humor and thought process but I can assure you, you need to watch it! Anyways, this post isn’t really a tribute to Geordie Shore, after al they are not paying me, but in the episode I watched today I really got to thinking about some stuff. Charlotte and Gary are my favourite couple on the show, I hate to love them but I do. Charlotte is your typical girl with a wild streak, she goes out, gets “mauled” comes home, throws up everywhere, sh*ts her pants etc. and she also has the filthiest mouth on the show. Not in a swear words type way but in the sense that she says things like “She’s fallen for him like a shit in the toilet bowl, skid marks and all.” moment of silence as you all come to terms with what you just read. but on the inside she’s also really sweet. Gary is also your typical lad, all the other boys want to be as cool as Gaz and have threesomes and pull two girls at a time. Charlotte is basically crazy in love with Gary and he knows it, they slept with each other a couple times but stopped because it was ruining their friendship. He definitely cares for her too. You can see it in the way he reacts when she’s upset or when they aren’t ‘kicking off’ a.k.a. fighting. The problem is, Gary just cant stop pulling other girls. Once there’s alcohol and scantily clad ‘worldies’ waiting to be blessed by him he just cant help himself. Charlotte always lets on like she doesn’t care if he pulls other girls seeing as they aren’t together as long as it’s not in front of her but then gets stupidly upset when anything happens or if Gary brings a girl home. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH GIRLS!

If you don’t like something then say it, if you’re in love with him and you know you can’t handle seeing him making out with other girls in front of you then say it. I literally can’t wrap my head around the way some girls try to be ‘like guys’ and act like they don’t care and nothing can affect them and then when the guy is being a guy you cry and bitch and moan about it. If you know you can’t handle yourself like a lady it’s always best to extract yourself from the situation. Now I know it’s never that easy and love is blind and what not but girls need to learn to control their own and take what they think they deserve. It’s so important for a girl to know her worth. For example, begging a guy to sleep with you and then trying to toss him off when he’s sleeping after he’s said NO is highly unacceptable! I’m not saying you should treat your box like a prize (which you should) but at least have some decency and RESPECT YOURSELF! Because pussy is power! Lol.

On the other hand, are some boys just hard wired not to be monogamous in any sense of the word? You know you like the girl but you just can’t commit but you just can’t imagine a world without her. It’s unfair for guys to expect a girl to act like his girlfriend when they’re unwilling to put in the work, yet some girls do it too freely. This is one of the only reasons I respect and still like Gary even though I think he’s a complete asshole. He had the decency to cut himself off from Charlotte physically. What do you think? If you were in Charlotte’s shoes would you continue pretending like you can be his friend? And can some boys just not accept the thought of having one girl? And if you were Gary, remembering that you genuinely care for Charlotte, would you try and give up all the other girls? Or is it a case of YOLO living?

Her Best Friends Guy

Happy new month everybody! Here's to praying that August brings you all the success and joy that you want for yourselves in life! Stay strong! Not to take away from the Staying Single series currently going on, but I still have to blog about 'normal' things sometimes!

Anyways, as some of you may know by now, I like to rant and recent conversation with friends begs that I with my infinite wisdom (self washing, le worst!) try and answer the question. “Is it ever okay to date your friends ex?” Unfortunately this question has so many variables that even as a seasoned engineer (another bout of self washing, forgive me, the sun is out or at least it was when I was writing this!) my head spins as I think about it. Let us now postulate that:

1. This question is specifically but not entirely directed to girls, our male counterparts have all sorts of other rules in their universe that I will not try and understand.

2. The friend is question is not an acquaintance; she’s not one of the girls you call when you want to go out. She’s one that you call when you’re feeling low.

3. Her and her ex dated ‘seriously and exclusively’ for 14 months.

4. They’ve been broken up for about 4 months now.

Okay, I think I’ve got it all covered now. You see, many variables.

Now as much as I am always pro Sparta and someday seek to be their Queen. (A Spartan is a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it), I think that there is a point where things can be taken too far and issues like this can cause irrevocable damage to a friendship.

Some people say that sometimes things just happen, you didn’t mean to fall in love with him. BULLSHIT! You know who he is, and you know all the ins and outs of his relationship with your friend, this was no mistake. You wanted him and now you have him, don’t try and hide behind silly stories of a flame lit in a period of darkness. You should have considered your friends feelings before you were having midnight conversations with him. Other times girls just have to be careful and know who their true friends are. Unfortunately not everyone out there that you consider a friend actually has your back in this life. Some people have bad belle for you and have always wanted your man, especially if they can see he’s a keeper.

I was going to say that the only time it is acceptable to date your friends ex is when she says so but even this is only half true. Sometimes girls like to try and prove to their friends that they have moved on, especially if the guy did her dirty. As her friend you should know if she’s lying to you or not, she might say it’s okay but if every time his name comes up she gets a glassy look in her eye you should know that it’s not okay.

Sadly, it seems I have failed you; I don’t have an answer to this question :(

All I can say is, if you’re the girl that wants her friends ex then make sure that you’re sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is worth it. And if you’re the girl that’s feeling betrayed by her ex and former best friend then all I have to say is don’t worry they would break up soon! The sun would come out tomorrow and you would be fine.

Use the comment box people, share your thoughts on the matter, help me answer this age old (?) question!

Identify Yourselves: Samantha Vs. Carrie

Samantha’s are extroverts and would walk straight up to the object of their desire and let them know their intentions.

Carrie’s are a bit shyer; they could walk up to the guy but would hardly go past a basic hi-hi conversation

Samantha’s sleep around and get off with different guys because they want to and they can

Carrie’s do it because their friends are doing it

Samantha’s take the boys to her house

Carrie’s try and find a nice romantic hotel last minute and would sometimes settle for the guy’s house, rarely hers.

Samantha’s kick the guy out of bed at the first sight of daylight with money for a coffee on the way home

Carrie’s get up and put on his shirt while making him an omelette for breakfast.

Samantha’s never even got the guys phone number; in fact she doesn’t remember his name!

Carrie’s store their numbers in the guys phone and tell him to call her when he gets home.

Samantha’s can get with the same guy on another random night or a different guy every few nights.

Carrie’s feel a sense of attachment to their latest partners and try to wait as long as possible before they go searching for someone new.

You can never tie a Samantha down, unless she let’s you.

Carrie’s are all too willing to become your girlfriend; if you give her the chance she’d be meeting your mum before the holidays run out.

Samantha’s know they are sexy and make sure that everyone else in the room knows it too.

Carrie’s are just as sexy but more likely to wait to be noticed.

Samantha’s aren’t afraid of a little experimentation.

Carrie’s prefer the more PG things of life.

Samantha’s are go-getters all the way.

Carrie’s like to be chased and wooed.

Although let’s remember, both Samantha’s and Carrie’s can get hurt, sadly no one is immune to that. So decide for yourselves ladies, are you a Samantha or a Carrie? Be honest! What do you think of my list? Did I miss anything major out? Share your thoughts in the comment box J

For The Love of a Good Guy

As a girl I sometimes have to wonder if some life experiences leave us so scarred that we might be missing out on a potentially good thing because of past experiences. I’m pretty sure every one has been hurt, cheated on or lied to by someone they care about before but that’s not what I’m talking about, not in particular anyways. Take for instance my friend, let’s call her CDK, 21 year-old beauty, smart, good body! She never takes any guy she meets in a club seriously because of some stuff that went down a while back. I'm not saying that most of these guys are meant to be taken seriously but occasionally there might be a diamond in the rough!

So a couple of nights in a week we decide to head out to the clubs, get a little wasted and just generally have a good time. Cute guy comes up to her, let’s call him Jay, and they start talking (my role in the club is solely as wing girl to bail her out if she needs it, you should know that I’m in a committed relationship). So anyways, she and the guy get to dancing and chatting, I go and find some other friends to attach myself too while I wait for any signs from her to tell me she’s good or requires bailing out. Turns out he’s not a creep and they keep at it the whole night, at the end of it all they exchange numbers. CDK comes home all giddy because they’re meant to be meeting up sometime in the week to go to the movies/drinks/dinner.

The week comes and they’ve been chatting, he’s really spitting his A-game (yes, I have read at least 60% of all their conversation) so they day for the movies finally arrives and what do you know, home boy is sort of busy, he promises to make it up to CDK if she comes over to his later that evening, say 10 p.m. she declines and says she’d rather reschedule. Being the sweet/perfect guy that he is he agrees. Needless to say, the time for the next date comes around and he has another reason not to meet up but for her to come over (Coursework, Athletics club, his fish died etc.) Anyways, this goes on for a couple of weeks till my poor naïve girlfriend realises that this boy only has one agenda. My question to you guys right now? Why try so hard! Surely there are a good number of other girls out there just waiting to arrive at your doorstep when you call them. That illusion of ‘the chase’ that guys like so much, why does it never wear off? This boy Jay kept trying all sorts of tricks and scandalous lines just to get CDK to come over to his unaccompanied for months on end! (We girlies have to stick together when entering the lions’ den).

Boys need to realise that not all girls are the same, especially as you’re not trying to take her out once or twice to show her a good time! That’s entirely different, you can woo her with the charm I suppose. But when you’re trying to make a girl you just met your “chill at home chick” then I’m a bit lost. The same way I blame Eve every month when her curses are manifested in my life is the same way I blame the sleazy girls of my generation. I’m not saying don’t have a good time; in fact have a great time! But you could at least try and front for like I don’t know, 2 hours before serving yourself on a silver platter. Also can I just point out that there’s a MASSIVE difference between the girl that sleeps around like a dude no strings attached (All hail Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones) and those that try and sleep around but always end up getting attached (Hi Carrie!). be true to yourself, if you’re a Carrie don’t try and act like Samantha, you end up getting hurt and also make guys think that all girls have a Samantha in them, there’s nothing wrong with being a Carrie!

Guys, if you’ve been trying to get a girl to be your chill at home chick and she’s never been on it and still not on it after 3 months then please respect yourself and fall back. You just end up looking overly thirsty to the girl and let’s not forget all of her posse that she has been telling about every single stage of your ‘relationship’. Girls, as far as I am concerned there is no reason to feel pressured into going to a boy’s house when it’s dark outside! As a child of the light, stay strong and keep saying no or ignoring those phone calls because once you get to his crib, some guys have the power to talk your panties off and make you think it was all your idea!

“With This Ring I Thee Promise”- The Promise Ring Paradigm

I would never forget the look on my mother’s face and the confusion in mine when she sent me to buy my brother a gift for his (female) school friend whose birthday it was. Jewellery was the suggested present so I popped into Accesorize, looked around found this gorgeous ring, and bought it. On presenting it to my mother she went into swift Yoruba, roughly translating to “Ahh, Morenike, don’t you know any better? A boy cannot give a girl a ring lest he plans on proposing to her with said ring.”

Now truth be told, this came as news to me. It’s just like any other piece of jewellery as long as both parties are sure that the relationship is platonic no? Well apparently not. Which brings me to the topic of this blogpost, the much coveted promise ring. In essence, a promise ring, as made famous by Tiffany Evan’s and Ciara, is more or less a pre-engagement ring where the guy promises not to lie, cheat, hurt and/or whatever other bad things guys sometimes do to girls. Sweet huh? I know right.

My only beef with promise rings is when the guy in question is almost certainly should not be dashing out rings to anyone **cough** Chris Brown & Karrueche **cough**

As far as I’m concerned he still has eyes for Rihanna, especially if she was truly the cause for him and Drake’s recent blow up, but let’s allow that discussion for now. Neanderthals who do it just because they think it’s ‘cool’ need not degrade the value of the promise ring. I like to think of it as one of the highest forms of flattery before marriage but there I go, romanticising everything, I really do need to get out of my head sometimes. Anwyays, as you were.

Bisous xx

How To Please Your Lady

Sorry about the hiatus people! I’ve been dying a slow and painful death in this institution of murder called university. *sigh*. But I’m backkkkk! :) :). (Assuming anyone noticed I was gone in the first place! Lol)

After having a lengthy debate with my friend about his current girlfriend I decided to try and answer the question: “Are girls really insatiable?” From an objective but ever so slightly biased point of view. According to my friend, and i must say i agree, Almost every girl I know goes on and on about how all they want is a good guy who would treat her right and take her places, the only thing girls never seem to account for is that, somewhat unfortunately, boys are human beings as well. One thing that always baffles me (and believe you me I’ve proven to be the Chief Mrs of this department in some situations) is why a girl would 9 out of 10 times pick the ‘bad boy’ that gives her minimal attention, over the sweet over-emotional boy who is constantly flooding her phone. But this discussion is for another day.

So of these 9 girls that pick the ‘bad boy’ we get a range of complaints “He never calls” “He takes too long to text back” “He’s always flirting with other girls” on and on and on driving any and everyone that would lend them an ear absolutely crazy. One would think that the problem is that we get so caught up in this princess fiasco (points finger at Walt Disney and his crew!) and spend so much time looking for a guy that’s already tailor made to our expectations that we pass up on a lot of perfectly good ‘paupers’ waiting to be turned into ‘princes’. The effort it takes to finding the perfect guy is probably more than it would take to turn one John Doe into James Dean. BUT NO! Because even the 1 girl that uses her common sense and picks the sweet guy ALWAYS finds something to complain about “He texts me too much” “He took me out to Indian when I said I wanted Pan-Asian” always always complaining! So why aren’t girls ever happy?

After some consideration, soul searching and just because I can write vast amounts of bullshit and call it my opinion J I decided that one of the problems is that boys don’t listen!! Some of my closest male friends have perfected the art of selective hearing down to the letter, I always respect girls that like them and can deal with them. How can I be on the phone with you, telling you that Indian food makes me feel sick and so on, and then you suggest we go to the Curry Mile (a mile of curry houses someplace in Manchester) for lunch? :/ Wow, some guys just don’t get it. All I ever hear is "Oh girls are over-dramatic, they always expect too much." You KNOW your girlfriend/ side chick/ p is going to get stressy if you take longer than x hours to hit her up. Or if your battery conveniently dies and you feel no need to hola at her even after you’ve seen the texts she sent while she was looking for you. I get it, some boys are just chilled, it’s never a big deal to them, life is easy breezy but then don’t make her feel like she’s being irrational about life! How many times do you need to hear “I hate it when you don’t call me back” to know it’s time to start calling back? Jheez!

Obviously there are some extreme girls who generally expect too much, text too much and blah but just because you’ve known a couple of those doesn’t mean that every single girl needs to be treated with the same aloof attitude that boys have down pat. All you got to do is squeeze her, don’t tease her, never leave her! In other words, try a little tenderness.

Deuces my darlings! OTIS SCREAM

Oh, apologies if you thought this was going to be a sexual blog *bbm cant watch*

XO