CLING FILM SUFFOCATES!!

“WARNING: To avoid danger of suffocation, keep this bag away from babies and children” I’m sure we’re all pretty familiar with this phrase, but what about us grown folk? We get suffocated too, not necessarily by plastic bags or cling film, but by people in our lives.

1.     GREASEPROOF PAPER: The person that calls/texts you every day, FIVE TIMES a day, “Just to check” How many times are we going to have the same conversation that always ends with “How are you?” “Fine” “Okay just checking” please take the hint, we have nothing to say to each other, stop using me as a means to alleviate your boredom. Why don’t I just delete this person you ask? Because they would notice and re-add within two hours, plus their feelings get hurt when you tell them they’re just plain annoying.

2.     ALUMINIUM FOIL: The nincompoop that reads too much into everything you say, I realize this person isn’t exactly clingy but they fit quite well into the list in terms of annoyance levels. Take this conversation for example:

A: I love your avatar

B: Aww, thanks boo

A: ‘boo’? *eyelashes* you sure know how to make a guy/girls day

B: -____- *end chat* “Are you sure you want to delete?” YES!

YES! This did happen in real life, I promise! It is 2011, thou shall not get so gingered because somebody calls you boo, dear, love, honey or any other generic terms of endearment. They probably call their dog boo! Come off it.

3.     NYLON BAG: The friend that calls you every opportunity they get for the sole purpose of ranting. I’m not being unrealistic here; everybody needs to rant sometimes, even about irrelevant things. But, if every single time you call me it’s to tell me that your boyfriend is being an asshole or your lecturer is a douche bag, expecting me to baby you and tell you that everything would be okay, you can be sure that before long I’d be screening your calls! It is NOT okay to dump all your emotional junk on me more than once a week! 2-3 times if we consider each other close friends :)

 4.     CLING FILM: The side chick/summer p that’s forever on that Kylie Minogue flex and just can’t get you out of their heads. These have to be the absolute worst when it comes down to it because, somewhat unfortunately for you, you actually LIKE this person! You haven’t made it to wifey or boyfriend status yet, why scare the person off by constantly expressing to them how you can’t imagine what life would be like without them. This is borderline stalker-type behaviour. Even if it is how you really feel hide it; write a letter, stick it in a bottle and throw it into the Atlantic for plankton to feed off! And no fool, don’t sign it with your name.

If you thought even for a split second that u might be in one of the four categories above stop reading this right now and re-evaluate your life. Nobody is judging you; it’s for your own good :). Stop suffocating the people around you, you wouldn’t be happy if you were the only person left on earth now would you?