Staying Single: Part 5- All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

Previous Parts

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

As soon as she got back to Remy’s place from the crazy night out, Kemi took to Facebook stalking Jide and all 1,009 of his friends in an attempt to find her mystery man. It took a while but it will all be worth it. 2 hours and 300 odd friends later, she had found him and added him. It took two whole weeks for her mystery man, whom we shall call “The Overseas Suitor”, henceforth known as The Suitor to finally acknowledge her friend request and accept her. It turned out that The Suitor is cousins with Jide and has just finished university at CalTech and is now on holiday in London for the next 2 months. All this was learnt from intense Facebook stalking. She could see her summer unfolding before her; finally summer p had come her way! Cha-ching! It wasn’t as if she didn’t have any other suitors on the horizon, oh there were many infact!

“The Prince” some East African guy she met on her course who was always happy to take her out to exclusive places in London and abroad. His father worked for the government so needless to say, he had too much money at his disposal. “The Disciple” who was always at her beck and call, this boy would buy her tampons and femfresh if she asked. He’s been trying to get out of the friend zone for months now with no avail and last but not least; darling Sola who had been there for her in her moment of weakness. But with The Suitor she could have a proper summer fling, guaranteed to end after the sun is gone and with no strings attached too and for that, he was her favourite!

Tuesday Morning, it’s barely 1 p.m. Far too early to be awake, what is summer for? Through sleepy eyes she reaches for her phone to see what the day might bring her. 11 messages from various friends and 2 missed calls from the madre.

Message 1, Group chat with Remy and 4 others, known collectively as “The Girls”: Wake up fooool, we were meant to work out today, I’m going without you! Gym ke?? Please do me the favour and go

Message 2, Prince: Baby, I’m so sorry need to cancel our date for tonight, doing some stuff for my dad. This boy sef, always double booking babes, stuff for your dad my ass.

Message 3, The Disciple: Hey beautiful, hope you slept well, you fell asleep last night while we were talking. Let’s meet up today. Hmmm, interesting proposal, I might as well now that Prince has cancelled on me.

So she replied,

To Remy and co: Yea, go without me, I don’t feel too great this morning plus it’s the scary spin class tranny there today.

To Prince: Hmmm, shame you don’t get to see me in the dress I had chosen :P

To Disciple: Sure why not, Amaranto at 8.30/9?

She would read and reply the rest later on.

Later on that evening, Kemi and The Disciple are having a blast at Amaranto, he keeps buying her cocktails to ‘try’ in an attempt to get her buzzed, and buzzed she is, they’re having a great time together. Sadly this episode has little to do with the Disciple but more to do with what happened in the next few minutes. Kemi, feeling a little flushed, decides to go to the ladies room for a couple of seconds, on her way there she hears the sound of all too familiar laughter, looking behind her slyly through her veil of 24-inch Brazilian hair, she sees them. A group of 6 or 7 guys, including Jide, The Ex, AND THE SUITOR. Okay girl, you can do it, just keep walking, head down, pretend you never saw them.

The Ex: Yo, Kemi!

Damn! Spotted, now what?

Kemi: Hi, how are you?

The Ex, clearly more than a little tipsy: I’m great! Life is so great! I’ve never been better!

The Suitor: I’m sure she gets the point. Oh if ever a voice speaketh directly unto mine heart! His Nigerian accent peppered with American flavour came out so richly! Rich like the darkest chocolate! Nice to finally meet you Kemi, I’ve heard so much about you. **Arms outstretched for a hug**

It took her a full 3 seconds, which is super long, to realise that she was being spoken to. Great, now it’s already awkward.

Kemi: Pleasure to meet you Suitor. Really? Good things only I hope. ** Bats eyelashes coyly and leans in to the hug**

Or at least that should have been her response! Instead what came out was more like this as she hurried off in the direction of the bathroom:

Kemi: Uh, oh. Okay. Nice to meet you too.  **does awkward hug/handshake disaster and eventually just waves and moves away hastily**

Somebody kill me NOW!