So people ask me all the time why I just disappear from the blogosphere for days and weeks on end and really I find it difficult to explain most times because the answer is usually that I wasn't "in the mood". It seems a selfish thing to say especially when you want your readers and followership to grow, you want to have more comments and you want to feel like your little space on the internet is useful or interesting to someone out there. However, the thing is...
I'm an introvert. There I said it, I finally admitted it, haha. I've never thought there's anything wrong with me or my incessant want to mostly be alone in my thoughts and just enjoy the feelings of being my truest self. But recently I've been going through a lot of ups and downs, feelings of discontentment have played a part in my thoughts and I've not really been able to shake them. I even sat down one day and constructed a 15 song playlist called "Pensive", that's the exact word to describe how I've been feeling. When I feel like that, I have zero compulsion to edit pictures or type words and post them on the blog, "Who really reads it anyways?" my mind says to me.
Don't get me wrong I know everyone goes through these moods and really what would life be without them? But sometimes I sit and think that people don't talk about these feelings often enough. Everyone always wants to put their best foot forward and maybe that's the way things should be, but there's a certain relief that comes from being able to say "I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm unsure" I don't have my whole life planned out and now at 23 I'm more or less in a constant battle of telling myself "I'm only 23!" and "I'm already 23!" The world expects you to have your shit together, to be able to say at the drop of a hat exactly what you want and how you plan on getting there. By what age you wish to be married and how many babies you will have but the truth is that as much as I know to some extent what I want, I have no idea how I'm going to get there.
I'm an overthinker by nature, I analyse situations until they make the most logical sense in my head and I'm pretty damn good at piecing things together from the end to the beginning and beginning to end. It's what makes me a good engineer. My gut is also right about people 95% of the time and whenever I've ignored it, it always comes back to bite me. I talk to my few close friends a lot and seek their advice on a lot of things but most time I'd keep doing whatever I was going to do because my gut tells me to. It's not that I don't appreciate their advice, I do, sometimes we are blinded by our own eyes and can't see the truth of situations in the plain light of day. I'm going through one of such situations now, I think it' what's making me so pensive because every day I feel that I'm becoming more and more sure of a certain reality even though it hurts me to admit it. It's really nothing very serious but sometimes even the smallest things hold us back.
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to write this piece and honestly it's probably the most personal thing I've written on this blog till date but I know the number of people I talk to one on one who feel the same way as me. Who feel the crushing weight of time passed and passing and the trepidation that the future is uncertain and that that's both the beauty and the bane of life itself. It really is a case of the "Mean Reds" which Audrey so perfectly describes in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I've been trying to "Let go and let God" more because I believe that He already has a plan for my life and whatever is meant for me will never miss me.
Sometimes though I feel utterly overwhelmed by reality and I go into myself, I go for a run or pick up my skipping rope because it means that for the minutes that follow I can't think of anything else but my breathing, my heart rate, the consistent repeated movement of my body. Or I go outside and stand on the balcony or stroll towards the lagoon right near my house, I think I've said this before but I honestly love looking out into the water and remembering that none of my problems can ever be as vast as the ocean or the beaches of the world. Some days I even get treated with an amazing view like the picture on the top of this post. It forces me to appreciate my world and my life and I have to be present in the moment and most times when I'm done my head is cleared and I feel like I can look at the world through my lilac tinted views again. When it's too late to run or I simply can't be bothered to jump rope, I turn to music and let the lyrics and the beat wash over me until this moment comes when I think... Hold up, what the hell was I worrying about anyways? And then in that moment of clarity, I get up and resume life, the negativity and dissatisfaction gone because everyone knows that as nice as it is to wallow, wallowing never solved any problems...
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